This Black Dog; Forcing.

The past few days have been days of realization and life changing days for me. There are things that I finally realize about myself and how I've been forcing a lot of things upon myself. Yesterday, I've stumbled across a video posted on Facebook shared by a fellow Mozillian. That video is:

This video helped me gather all my thoughts together and to finally realize what I've been through and how I've been forcing a lot of things upon myself especially happiness. I did not realize that this black dog (depression) was really affecting me as I kept telling myself: "this is who you are, this is what makes you different". I told myself that to keep myself enthusiastic and to keep myself up. However, I finally realize that it was depression that was causing that. I was always over thinking and because I kept over thinking, I lose sleep at time. As many of you know, I am very very young and I've still got a long way ahead for me and my life. With the leadership classes I've had over the past 2 to 3 years, I've come to cope and to forget about how I stood out to be different from everybody else. I've come to learn that life is hard and there are things that drag you down but it shouldn't affect how you life your daily life. Leadership has been a great tool for me to realize my potential and what I can bring to the world. Many great leaders suffer from many types of mental and physical issues. I like to call myself a great leader because I have grown from a nobody to somebody. Volunteering has also made an impact on me, as volunteering made me realize what was right for me and what was wrong for me, it also had me realize what more I can bring out of myself. With leadership, I was able to realize all the potential I had in myself. Contributing to Mozilla was one, Mozilla helped me realize what I had inside me and how I could use my knowledge and skills to benefit others and to benefit myself.

Comparing depression with a black dog isn't that great of an analogy. It isn't a great metaphor, however this it's the message and what's inside the video that counts. All this forcing I've been doing to myself isn't healthy. Forcing yourself to be more happy is just hard. It's something I've been doing to myself for years. This video has made me realize that when times were the worst for me, depression was hitting me. I avoided to tell myself that I had depression because at that time, I was without leadership, I did not have the teachings of being a leader and to realize what I had inside me. It was really really tough, when somebody says: 'hey, why do you look depressed?", I usually just ignored that person because I saw them as somebody who was just teasing and being mean but it was just the truth that I couldn't accept and yet I didn't have the mindset to react to at that time.
Now you're probably wondering why didn't I just keep all these thoughts to myself but instead I had to write a blog post on and about it. I want share what I've been through at this very young age and my experience. Writing this blog post also helps me express how I am feeling inside because I have very few people I can express how I feel to, I have very people I can look up to and I just can't keep all this inside myself.

Thanks for reading :)

Read this on my blog:
Blog post to come soon: "Top Line Goals? Recognition? Shut down? Directory Tiles? Yammer?"
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9 thoughts on “This Black Dog; Forcing.

  1. pd

    Hi Andrew

    I don’t know you but I absolutely have to congratulate you and sympathize with you on the courage you have demonstrated and the situation you feel you’re in. I have experience in this topic though I’m not comfortable with expressing it to the wider public. Please feel free to email me to discuss this. I think that sometimes it can be easier to talk to a stranger. I very much hope you can see your way to a clearer future. I’m presently hoping for the same but I am not sure it’s going to happen, so I can very much relate.

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